What should you do if you see a spaceman?

Park in it, Man!

When it comes to parking in Paris, the above is considered to be sound motoring advice rather then a feeble joke. I think we've seen a grand total of 15 empty parking spaces the whole time we've been here. Size really doesn't matter it seems, so if a space is longer than your car (by no matter how small an amount) it is fair game. Until we came here, we had no idea that it was actually possible to manoeuvre a 4.5m long car into a space 4.6 meters long.

In fact, if the space is shorter than the car, the average Parisian will still have a go.

If the space is not actually a park, but a pedestrian crossing or a roundabout, it is also fair game.

The driving in the city is just as interesting as the parking. Owning a car in Paris makes about as much sense as Paul Holmes, but lots of people seem to insist in doing so anyway. In order to maintain some semblance of disorder, Parisians have developed their own special rode code. A red light at a pedestrian crossing only means "stop" if there are pedestrians actually in the direct path of the car, and does not apply at all to bicycles, motorscooters or white vans. Roundabout traffic is closely modelled on Brownian motion and it is the volume of the horn and magnitude of existing bodywork damage that determines right of way. Lane markings on roads are advisory only: the actual number of lanes is determined by a complicated formula involving vehicle width, proximity to lunchtime and (again) horn volume. Smoking and using a cell phone while riding a motorscooter at high speed down a footpath is not only permitted, but encouraged.